The Third

sometimes i commiserate with myself by looking at pictures of people i will never look or be like. I once thought I was just keeping up with style now I realize I was just keeping myself down and making myself feel like shit.

Catch a boat to England, baby, Maybe to Spain,

I tend to prefer medieval medicinal methods when it comes to my emotional health…i.e.: I vent. This will be that. Ahem. Time to feel like a whining romney. 3 2 1 go!

Wherever I have gone, Wherever I’ve been and gone,

I’m actually beginning to see that I’m somewhere along the process of giving up on people. It hurts.

Wherever I have gone, The blues run the game.

It hurts really bad, actually. By nature, I actually love people. Just about anyone in general. I remember, until what seems like only a short time ago, being outgoing and friendly. I hear that I still am..and maybe I still act that way..but I don’t feel it. It’s probably just a matter of habit now, an approachable mask to cover a scowl and a frown. Let’s get some history established here:

Send out for whiskey, baby, Send out for gin,
Me and room service, honey, Me and room service, babe,
Me and room service, Well, we’re living a life of sin

PHASEONE: Three years ago I left my hometown for a place that I thought was someplace else. For two years I fought to mold myself into something I just couldn’t become (In hindsight, I dont consider that inability a bad thing) and, therefore, failed miserably. I showed up an eager, life-loving, albeit incredibly fucked up 18 year old. I left a defeated, discouraged, and disheartened 20 year old wondering whether or not that much pain was normal to feel at such a young age, and most of all, wondering where were the hands of a community that were, in theory, supposed to catch me when I fall.

When I ain’t drinking, baby, You are on my mind,
When I ain’t sleeping, honey, When I ain’t sleeping, Mama,
When I ain’t sleeping, well, you know you’ll find me crying.

PHASETWO: miracle of miracles, I found those hands. I found the mentors and closest of friends I had been gasping for. The joy swept into my lungs and rushed through my veins, warming my heart and reminding me why I loved this life and these people on this planet. We went into business together. I was excited to wake up in the morning, to go to work, to learn, to grow, to love.

Catch a boat to England, baby, Maybe to Spain,
Wherever I have gone, Wherever I’ve been and gone,
Wherever I have gone, the blues have run the game.

Spoiler alert: phase two also ends in a firestorm of pain and betrayal. The structure of my new-found life was a lie that, once exposed, sent the whole scheme crumbling. I couldn’t (and for that matter, still cannot) understand why or how. Why would someone build this business and recruit all of us just to get as much money as possible until their scheme was discovered? Why would they include me so intimately in their lives? Why did I let myself be so vulnerable and develop so much hope and trust? How did I not see it from the start? The question returns to my mind, stronger now…can it possibly be normal for this much pain to fill me at such an early age?

Living is a gamble, baby, Loving’s much the same,
Wherever I have played, Wherever I throw those dice,
Wherever I have played, The blues have run the game.

I ran to Canada. I had to get as far removed from everything as possible. There, sitting on a river bank in the woods of Ontario, I found hope again. Things would be okay. The world took on it’s once-familiar brightness and excitement. After three weeks, I was refreshed and ready to return. Ready to try again.

Maybe when I’m older, baby, Someplace down the line,
I’ll wake up older, So much older, Mama,
Wake up older, And I’ll just stop all my trying.

PHASETHREE: I started working. I started trying to live a normal life. I had good friends, enough money to get by, and my heart was happy.

Spoiler alert number two: That doesn’t last long.

Catch a boat to England, baby, Maybe to Spain,
Wherever I have gone, Wherever I’ve been and gone,
Wherever I have gone, The blues, they’re all the same.

Cue being ditched and ignored and lied to by my best friend of over a decade.

“Yet, a close mutual friend soon filled his place. I had a trusted companion once again.” says my mind..”dont get so down!”

Cue being harassed out of my job.

Yet, I moved into the city, a dream of mine for years.

Cue best friend of a decade moving, informing me of such about 48 hours prior.

Yet, my new-found closest of companions stood by my side.

Cue only getting one call-back, in spite of fantastic references and employment history, out of (quite literally) 50 applications turned in all over the metro.

Yet, I got the job. I wasn’t completely without a hope.

Cue not making enough money to afford food or rent for two months. I lost 20 pounds.

Yet, I started school and received FASFA refunds, allowing me to survive.

Cue introduction of closest friend to group of acquaintances.

Cue inability to talk to a girl who flirts with me.

Cue watching closest friend begin to imitate style of dress, speech, and mannerisms of group of acquaintances. again.

Cue slowly increasing omission from group activities at the apparent behest of the friend. again.

Cue announcement of friend’s moving 48 hours before departure. again.

Cue being lied to and ditched and ignored on his next to last day in town so that he could go eat with the group of acquaintances. again.

Now that you’re up to speed, suffice it to say my heart is in pain. I dont know where to go or what to do. I feel pretty certain it wont be in search of another friend. Not for a while at least. This pattern is becoming far to prevalent for my liking.

Cue waking up 50 years old, bitter, cold, and lonely. Thats not what I want. It’s just the only result I can see at the end of this road right now. God, it’s not what I want. Fuck. 

Let’s have something work out for us soon. Okay? Agreed.

Intertwined lyrics “Blues Run The Game” by Simon and Garfunkle, as performed by Laura Marling. Following lyrics “Candlelight” by Laura Marling

I have a fear of rejection
But you won’t see it in my be-judgment
Arrogance is my biggest fault
But it’s the thing I hate most of all
But maybe I’m just crazy and grew up too fast

This is heaven and hell all at once
This is all I got and all I want
But like a lost soul I will wander the globe till this feeling’s gone

Sitting in his bedroom scared as hell
Listening to The Libertines on the vinyl player on his shelf
Getting nervous as I leave his door
Drinking quite a lot and then drinking quite a lot more
But maybe I’m just crazy and grew up too fast

This is heaven and hell all at once
This is all I got and all I want
But like a lost soul I will wander the globe till this feeling’s gone

Cigarette by candlelight
This became my view of the night
Summertime was my biggest squeeze
So much to do and so many to please
But maybe I’m just crazy and grew up too fast

This is heaven and hell all at once
This is all I got and all I want
But like a lost soul I will wander the globe till this feeling’s gone